- Eating your lunch at your desk
Do you know how pathetic you look; hunched over your keyboard scoffing a wallpaper-flavoured tuna sandwich, crumbs depositing between the keys, occasionally glancing up to check if any new emails have come in. Is that a life worth living?
You are allowed to stand up from your desk you know. I understand it’s painful because you’ve developed crystals in your lower back from remaining in the same position since 8.30am, but going for a walk will do wonders for your health.
2. Discussing weekends
Nobody cares. Seriously. What a tiresome affair to endure every Monday morning. Ooh, you went to a restaurant I’ve never heard of with people I’ve never heard of – and this concerns me how exactly?
And what to be said of the colleagues who initiate the discussion by asking how your weekend was, not because they care, but because want you to ask them in return so they can blabber on about taking their kids to the theatre or something? If you’re in need of validation just post about it on Instagram, accumulate your twenty likes, get your little dopamine rush and leave me out if it.
3. Apologizing for being a few minutes late
This isn’t uni. You haven’t stumbled into a lecture and disturbed your professor mid-ramble. There’s no need to apologize for anything ever for this city’s heavily privatized trains and buses making you late. If your boss pipes up, suggest that they contact the Secretary of State for Transport in order to seek a formal apology. I’ve seen a disturbing trend in colleagues sending office-wide emails apologizing for being 5 minutes late and assuring everyone they’ll ‘make up the time at lunch’.
A wider point: are there any workplace examples where being 5 minutes late can be fatal? I guess if you’re a crooked lawyer, compromised by the mob, due to turn up for a meet in a disused factory on the outskirts of town at 9am sharp, then maybe you have a case. Your brains will be splattered up the wall before you get the chance to email the entire Abruzzi family apologizing for your lateness. But if you’re a bog-standard, rusty cog in the capitalist rat race machine then you’ve got nothing to worry about.
4. Emailing people who are literally feet away from you
This may appear a surprising entry on this list, given that the previous entries above suggest that the writer is an antisocial git who’d love to reduce their amount of daily human interaction as much as possible, but let me explain.
Why are you emailing me to ask simple questions? We’re sitting opposite each other; I’m close enough to kick your shins. If I lift my gaze by a few inches we will make eye contact. Is it so difficult to sit up straight, clear your throat and speak words in my direction? I understand if there’s important internal stuff that needs to be in writing, but clicking ‘New Email’, typing my name in the ‘To’ bar, typing ‘did we get that report from them in the end?‘, pressing ‘Send’, then waiting anxiously for my response is a cowardly act that should be punishable by an expired cream pie to the face, like the clown that you are. I will intentionally delay my reply to render your method of communication useless.
5. Using the microwave in the office kitchen
Just don’t. I don’t care if the leftover haddock and steamed vegetables you’ve brought from home are stone cold. Do you understand the damage you’ll cause by heating that shit up? I’d rather inhale asbestos than smell your farty fish and cabbage lunch. Get back in your lane and have your lunch in one of the many different-but-very-samey cafes and delis in the area.
Do you consider yourself above a Tesco meal deal? Do you scoff at the thought of a falafel and halloumi hot wrap from Pret? Wake up and recognize that if your career was a mountain climb, currently you’ve not even reached base camp. Until you’re at least halfway up the corporate mountain and have the luxury of your own personal microwave you affectionately call Mike, you’ll have to make do with cold takeaway sandwiches and lukewarm eat-in English breakfasts for lunch like the rest of us.
The only acceptable use of the microwave is to heat up milk, but for no more than 30 seconds, mind. If you have a colleague regularly heating up kormas then questions need to be asked about HR’s capacity to maintain a healthy working environment.
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A Series Of Pointless Conversations 